The starting point for understanding the meaning of the Christian teaching on marriage should be the mystical theological use of this word as a symbol of the unity of the Church with Christ. This meaning was not invented by Christianity from scratch, but is the completion of the Hebrew concept of the covenant of the chosen people with God as a kind of "marriage" union. Not only are there many direct passages in the Old Testament that liken Israel's relationship with Yahweh to that of the Bride and Bridegroom, but the whole spirit of the Hebrew Bible is permeated with this imagery. This marriage exists, first of all, not at the individual level, but at the level of the whole people: Israel as a whole is the “Bride of the Lord”. It is in terms of marital fidelity and adultery that Israel's fidelity to their God and its repeated retreats from this fidelity to the worship of pagan gods are described.

If the marriage of Israel with the Lord is still spoken of mainly in terms of bodily purity and bodily fidelity: serving the true God is an honest marriage, and the worship of “stone and wood,” that is, pagan gods, is adultery, then the marriage of Christ and the Church in the New The covenant is described with great emphasis on its spiritual side, on the mystery of the complete unity achieved in this union. The very words by which marriage is blessed (Genesis 2:24) are referred by the Apostle Paul primarily to Christ and the Church: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh. This mystery is great; I speak in relation to Christ and to the Church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

It is this likening that fills with deep meaning the Apostle's instructions about family life“Wives, be subject to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body. But just as the Church obeys Christ, so do wives obey their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:22-25). There are no economic or legal motives in these prescriptions - they are not the fundamental foundation of marriage and the family. The basis is love, understood as a gift and a sacrifice. The husband is the head of the wife on the same grounds that Christ is the head of the Church. Namely: a husband can be the head of the family, because he loves his wife in the same way that Christ loves the Church - not according to strength, perhaps, but according to the method - he sacrifices himself for her, he devotes his whole life without a trace to that, (we continue the interrupted quotation about Christ's giving Himself for the Church) “in order to sanctify it, having cleansed it with a bath of water through the word; to present her to Himself as a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or anything like that, but that she might be holy and blameless. Thus should husbands love their wives as their bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself” (Eph. 5:26-28).

In addition to the image of sacred marriage, as a covenant with God, the Bible both in the Old and New Testaments uses the image of divine sonship: believers and faithful to God people are called “sons of God” and this is completed in the appeal to God “Our Father”. These two images are not only closely intertwined, but they complement each other. It's about about duality arising from unity (the image of the creation of a wife from a husband, the image of the birth of a child from a parent), and about the unity into which duality merges (“there will be two in one flesh” - about marriage, “we, many, make up one body in Christ "(Rom. 12, 5) - about the Church).

In the same way as in many other questions of the moral life of a person, Christianity in its doctrine of marriage, in essence, does not invent anything fundamentally new, but illuminates the primordial moral concepts with an extremely bright light. For example, one of the striking features of Christianity is that it fundamentally condemns divorce. This condemnation does not at all imply any new principles for understanding marriage, but is justified by reference to the original order: “He said to them in response: Have you not read that He who created male and female created them? And he said, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. So what God has joined together, let no man separate. They say to Him: how did Moses command to issue a bill of divorce and divorce her? He says to them: Moses, because of your hardness of heart, allowed you to divorce your wives, but at first it was not so” (Matthew 19:4-8).

Another very significant aspect of Christian teaching, which is directly related to understanding the meaning of marriage, is the indication of the possibility of a celibate life, which is valued not only not lower, but in some respects higher than marriage. The relationship and interrelation of marriage and celibacy in Christianity is a very significant problem. Despite the fact that it seems to be external characteristics of both, arising from opposition, it is through a comparison of these opposite and mutually exclusive ways of life that their deep essence is clarified. Here it is necessary to refer to chapter seven of the First Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians, since this text is one of the most fully revealing the essence of Christian concepts about marriage and the family. For lack of space, we do not present it here in full, limiting ourselves to a commentary.

Firstly, in the words of the apostle, he himself singles out some “advice” that he gives on his own behalf, hoping that “he also has the Spirit of God”, and direct “commandments of the Lord”. The apostle begins by saying that, answering certain questions, he affirms the ideal of celibacy and perfect bodily purity, which, however, far from everyone is capable of, and therefore - "in order to avoid fornication, each one should have his own wife, and each one should have her own husband." In marriage, bodily intimacy is natural and not reprehensible, since husband and wife belong to each other bodily. Moreover, despite the ideal of “not touching a woman” at all, the advice in marriage is “not to deviate from each other, except by agreement, for a while.” For many commentators, this place has become a stumbling block. Quite often it is understood that in Christianity (at least in early Christianity) there is a negative attitude towards marriage, that marriage is permissible only as an indulgence for a weak person, as a legalized form of “fornication”, as a lesser evil in order to avoid a greater evil. Such an interpretation is the result of a complete misunderstanding of the meaning that marriage has within the framework of Christianity. We will try to reproduce this meaning below.

The apostle Paul affirms the prohibition of divorce not as his own considerations, but as a direct command of the Lord. Further, already “on his own behalf”, he advises not to consider the disbelief of one of the spouses as a reason for divorce: if he (or she) is not against the continuation of family life, then the believing spouse has no reason to divorce, moreover, he can and should hope to save his "half". Another thing is if the unbelieving “half” wants to get a divorce, let them get divorced, and this divorce frees the believing spouse from obligations.

Further, the apostle digresses somewhat from questions of family and marriage life and speaks in a more general plan that no outward position can in itself be an obstacle to the Christian life: whether you are circumcised or not, whether you are a slave or a freeman, this in itself does not matter. And the apostle Paul says the same about virginity, emphasizing again that he has no commands from the Lord on this matter: “It is good for a man to remain like this” - that is, as he is: “Are you united with your wife? don't seek divorce. Did he leave without a wife? don't look for a wife." However, even this rule - not to look for another - is not absolute: “If you marry, you will not sin; and if a girl marries, she will not sin.” The arguments that the apostle then brings forward do not refer to theology, and not even to the general theoretical moral foundations of life, but entirely to the sphere of practical conveniences and benefits. The main warning to those who want to marry: “These will have affliction according to the flesh; and I feel sorry for you." And, besides, it is easier for a celibate to give all of himself to the service of God, in fact, only a celibate is fully capable of this.

And finally, the basic principles of marriage are repeated once again: “He who marries his maiden does well; but the one who does not give out does better. A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; if her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord. But she is happier if she stays like this, according to my advice.

What can be the result of all this? The speech of the Apostle Paul in this case, with the exception of the prohibition of divorce, which goes back to Christ Himself, consists almost entirely of reservations: “actually, it’s better this way, but this is just my opinion; this is good, however, that is even better; he who does so does not sin, but I feel sorry for you, however, to each his own, but still it’s better like this. This structure of speech is not accidental. The fact is that the apostle speaks in this case about things that are not of paramount importance. That is, for a person's life, this choice, of course, is one of the most important, determining, these two paths - marriage and celibacy - are as different as possible in the way of building life, but their spiritual value is by and large the same.

Marriage and monasticism can equally be called the high ideals of Christianity. In Christianity, the distinction between marriage and celibacy recedes and becomes, in a sense, secondary in the face of more important issues. Moreover, the fact that the difference between marriage and celibacy becomes secondary does not mean that marriage becomes an insignificant “deed of the flesh”, which is treated condescendingly: they say, if you do it well, but if you don’t do it, it’s even better. On the contrary, it is precisely the extraordinarily high importance attached to both marriage and celibacy that blurs the line between these forms of life, and it is through the erasure of this line that the high destiny of both is realized.

This is where we come to the main point in the Christian understanding of the meaning of marriage, and not only Christian marriage, but any marriage in general. The entire previous history of mankind considered childbearing, procreation, as the primary role of marriage. Marriage exists for the birth of children - this view is dominant among the immediate predecessors of the European culture of the ancient Greeks and Romans, and among the Old Testament Jews. Accordingly, celibacy is, first of all, the refusal to bear children.

This understanding of marriage predetermines the entire system of family customs and law that exists among pre-Christian peoples. Firstly, the continuation of the family is, quite obviously, the business of the family. Family and marriage thus exist primarily at the level of the collective life of an integral family. Even when the home emerges as a separate structure of life, the family continues to be seen from this perspective. The continuation of the family is the duty of a person, among the Jews a sacred duty, in the ancient world - a natural duty, the fulfillment of this duty is the creation of a family. Accordingly, celibacy is seen in this context as an evasion of the obligation to bear children. This could only be tolerated and approved by some exceptional ministry, usually a religious one. The positive meaning of marriage, therefore, is entirely determined by the birth of offspring. The meaning of celibacy and abstinence lies entirely in the refusal to bear children, it is entirely negative, its essence is in refusal, in a kind of sacrifice.

Christianity shifts the center of gravity in the question of the meaning of marriage from childbearing to the spiritual perfection of the individual. Strictly speaking, this is not an innovation that has arisen from scratch. Pre-Christian cultures also know this meaning of marriage, it is present everywhere. A man and a woman are one flesh, they complement each other, make up for each other's shortcomings and virtues, forming together a harmonious integrity. The ancient Chinese also knew this, who thought of the relationship between a man and a woman as one of the types of universal dual harmony of Yang and Yin, the ancient Greeks also knew this, who, like many other peoples, had the myth of the androgyne, this, of course, was known to the ancient Jews, who had The revelation about the "splitting" of the primordial man into a man and a woman. And it is the Old Testament that establishes the formula for the sacrament of marriage: "there shall be two in one flesh."

It is interesting to note that in this passage, which speaks of the establishment of marriage, nothing is said about procreation. Here God creates a wife from a rib (from under the heart of the taken flesh), brings her to a man (He Himself brings, - this emphasizes not the biological, but the spiritual and religious meaning of marriage), the man, having seen his alter ego, recognizes his flesh in his wife and blood, his replenishment, and God blesses their unity: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife; and [two] shall be one flesh.” “And they were both naked, Adam and his wife, and were not ashamed,” adds the sacred writer. Shame is possible when you are under someone else's gaze, when there is an invasion from the outside into the innermost regions. Adam and his wife were one, completely belonged to each other, and therefore were not ashamed. And that’s it – there is no mention of procreation here. It is mentioned earlier and later, but not here.

The command "Be fruitful and multiply" sounds first at the end of the first chapter, where man is spoken of in another row with the animal world; here this command addressed to man is no different from the same command addressed to the animal world, moreover, it is adjacent to the command to eat, in which man is also placed on a par with animals (Gen. 1, 29-30). In other words, reproduction is obviously attributed to the animal nature of man, it does not have a spiritual personality as its source, but takes place at the level of instinct. When the creation of man is spoken of in the first chapter (Genesis 1:27), then in Hebrew it is not the words “ish” and “isha” (husband and wife), but “zakar” and “nekba” (male and female, male and female), which is reflected in many ancient and modern translations.

For the second time, childbearing is said not at the establishment of marriage, but after the fall, when the sorrows and illnesses of pregnancy and childbirth are given to the wife as a punishment for sin, just as labors in the sweat of the brow are determined as punishment for the husband. In other words, marriage, according to the Bible, assumed the birth of children, but it was not established for this.

But the thing is, writes an Orthodox thinker, that “There is no “commandment” to multiply, as Protestants like to talk about (following the Jews, we note – S.A.), there is no in the Bible. Any commandment can be perceived by a spiritually free being, and therefore cannot be given to animals, while blessing as a one-sided divine creative act is equally applicable to both man and animals. Despite the relatively high level of spiritual development, the Jews still remain within the framework of a predominantly naturalistic approach to the family, basing it on the animal instinct of reproduction, elevated to a moral commandment.

Christianity conceives of marriage not only as the foundation of this earthly existence, but also as possible path spiritual life, the path leading to the Kingdom of Heaven. This is precisely the Christian understanding of the meaning of marriage. That is, not only about what marriage is among Christians themselves, but also about what it is in general for all people at all times. Christian marriage can more fully realize this destiny, because it proceeds from a clear understanding of this destiny, but this destiny itself, according to Christian thinkers, is not at all alien to people of non-Christian cultures.

It is this purpose that the apostle Paul has in mind when he writes his instructions on marriage. Without understanding this spiritual context, his words do not sound very coherent and not entirely intelligible. Marriage, like celibacy, is comprehended by him from a soteriological perspective, as a kind of way of salvation, and this is the reason why he, giving preference to celibacy, does not condemn marriage at all. Therefore, he can write in one place: “To the unmarried and to the widows I say: it is good for them to remain like me” (1 Cor. 7, 8), and in another: “So, I want young widows to marry, give birth to children ruled the house and did not give the enemy any reason to slander” (1 Tim. 5, 14).

The whole point is how it is more convenient for this person to work for the Kingdom of Heaven, which cross is more suitable for him: whether monastic life, or family life. That question, which at the individual level of life is strategic - to marry or not to marry, at a more general and higher level is only a matter of tactics. The fundamental difference between celibacy and marriage - to participate or not to participate in procreation, turns out to be secondary in the face of the higher purpose of these forms of life - the spiritual perfection of a person, his growth into the fullness of being, his deification.

How, then, does marriage and the family based on it fulfill its destiny of being a path of moral and spiritual perfection? First, such improvement is impossible without adequate self-knowledge. In the family, a person directly opens his feelings, the family in this sense is a kind of “reserve” of private life, fixed at the level of a social institution: here a person opens up the opportunity to get closer to the knowledge of that inner world of his personality, which he hides from outsiders from them, and from himself. In society, a person restrains himself, hides irritation, acts according to some socially fixed patterns, often for show, in a word he tries to appear different, showing his front side, and not the inside, and finally forgetting about his real face. In the family, he does not hide his condition, his actions are as sincere as possible: the good that he does in the family, he does “from the heart” and for himself, but on the other hand, if there is something dark in the soul, he will pour out, will not be ashamed to reveal this dark sinful state of his in a word or action.

Thus, the first important aspect of the Christian understanding of marriage is that marriage and family life are the path of deep self-knowledge of a person through humility. Marriage, perhaps no less than monasticism, is capable of fully revealing to a person the depth of his personality - both the hidden endless depths of love, and the whole hidden measure of sinful depravity.

However, the most important essence of the Christian doctrine of marriage lies, of course, not in these useful properties. The meaning of marriage, as Christianity understands it, lies not only in the fact that the human race continues along this path, not only in the spiritually beneficial consequences of marriage indicated above, but, above all, in it itself. As Vladimir Sergeevich Solovyov writes, “true love cannot be preserved in our material environment if we do not understand and accept it as a moral feat. It is not for nothing that the Orthodox Church, in her rite of marriage, commemorates the holy martyrs and equates marital crowns with their crowns. Marriage, therefore, is a feat of faith, comparable to the feat of people who gave their lives for fidelity to Christ.

Moreover, marriage is not just a moral feat, marriage is a sacrament. The sacrament in Christian theology is the direct saving action of grace, which manifests itself within the framework of earthly existence and takes place through the actions of people. Sacrament in this sense is the cooperation of man and God, when under a certain visible side human action Through these actions, the invisible grace of God is communicated to the human soul.

Christian marriage is a sacrament, according to the apostle Paul: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh. This mystery is great; I speak in relation to Christ and to the Church” (Eph. 5:31-32). Marriage is thus the metaphysical union of man and woman and, as such, is a sacrament for Christian thought. Christianity asserts that the essence of marriage exceeds the categories of our reason and can only be explained by comparing this mystery with the mystery of the Trinity and the dogma of the Church. Psychologically, this unity is the source of such feelings of the spouses, which, by their very nature, exclude the question of the goals of marriage outside of itself, for these feelings are feelings of satisfied love, and therefore of fullness and bliss.

The rise of human being in marriage to the degree of being supra-individual is expressed in the fact that in marriage a person becomes an image of the supra-individual, one in essence, but trinity in the persons of God. It is often said - both in theology, and as a beautiful expression - even in everyday speech, that man was created in the image of God, but, considering the question of what exactly is the image of God in man, they talk about the mind of man, about his freedom, about distinguishing between good and evil, about creativity. But at the same time, either they completely forget about the trinity of the Divine, or they compare the trinity of the Divine with the three forces of the human soul - feeling, reason, will, or they are looking for some other examples. tripartite person. However, this overlooks the fact that the trinity of the Divine consists of the trinity of PERSONS, and not forces and components. Meanwhile, both the Bible and the entire tradition of Christian thought provide a complete basis for a deeper and truer conception.

Traditionally, one of the first places in the Old Testament part of the Bible where they see the anticipation of the dogma of the Trinity is the mention of a certain Divine Council that precedes the creation of man, when God speaks of himself in the plural: “Let us make man in our image and after our likeness” (Gen. 1 26), “Let us make him a helper for him” (Gen. 2:18). But this veiled doctrine of the Trinity is not present where it is said about the creation of the rest of the world, and it is found only where it is said about the creation of a bisexual man (Gen. 1, 26-27; 2, 18; 5, 2), about the establishment of marriage the creation of a wife. And further, when, as it were, summing up the first chapters, it is said: “God created man, in the likeness of God created him, male and female, created them and blessed them and called their name:“ man ”(Gen. 5, 2).

So, “man” in the mouth of God is a man and a woman as one whole, and only as such a whole, and not as a self-closed monad, man is an image of God speaking about himself in the plural, while it is “not good” for a man to be alone (Gen. 2:18), alone he can hardly be the image of God.

The New Testament expresses clearly what the Old Testament only hints at. The Apostle Paul compares the mutual relationship between husband and wife precisely with the relationship of the persons of the Holy Trinity. Just as God the Father is the head of Christ, so the husband is the head of the wife (1 Cor. 11:3). Just as Christ is the radiance of glory and the image of the being of God the Father (Heb. 1:3), so the wife is the glory of her husband (1 Cor. 1:7). This is the basis for Christianity's assertion of the equal dignity of husband and wife, an assertion that is completely unique and essentially unfamiliar to other religious and cultural traditions. Not formal equality (to which, however, non-Christian cultures also most often do not reach), but ontological equality, equality in the ultimate, deepest sense is affirmed in the Christian gospel, to the point that “there is no longer a male or female: for all of you one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).

Unity in Christ presupposes not the erasure of personalities, not their leveling, but, on the contrary, the maximum disclosure of their essential forces, the maximum fullness of their self-realization. At the same time, one must keep in mind self-realization in the most direct sense of the word: not the realization their ideas and fantasies, but the realization of oneself, which self-realization forms the personal meaning of human life. The Christian teaching about marriage and monasticism does not speak about recipes for arranging life, but about finding oneself in a life feat, about the ultimate goal of earthly existence.

More recently, I talked about the crises of family life, trying to answer the question "Is it worth saving the family?"But the previous article would not be complete without talking about the goals of family life, i.e. globally - about its meaning. Why do we need a family at all? The tactics of behavior in a crisis family situation, understanding where to go next and what to do in your family life will depend on the answer.

What is the meaning of family life? In each married couple, the answer will be different, because there are no two absolutely identical families. But there are some general tendencies according to which several types of family relations can be distinguished. Depending on what type of family relations prevails in a couple, one can talk about the features of this family, about its strengths and the difficulties that the family may face. And also about how to overcome these difficulties.

In family psychology, there are several basic functions of the family that correspond to the goals of family life.

The main idea that I want to emphasize is that for a harmonious, happy, long family life, compatibility at all the levels described is important. That is, it is necessary to develop relationships across all functions. At the same time, communication at the level of higher values ​​automatically gives spouses compatibility on the rest.

So, what could be the main motives for creating a family and maintaining family relationships?

1. The very first motive satisfaction of sexual desire. Usually a couple with a connection at this level meets at a disco, in a bar, in some place of mass youth entertainment, in restaurants, rest houses, etc. For both partners, the predominant factor will be external attractiveness and intensity of sexual relations. Most often, relationships built on the basis of sexual attraction are short-lived and unstable, civil marriages are typical, unwillingness to take responsibility. As soon as the partner has ceased to meet expectations, he is immediately replaced by another. If, nevertheless, the couple managed to start a family, then usually she has to overcome many difficulties and disagreements, since a person’s life is not limited only to the intimate side, it is wider and richer, but the spouses are not ready for it, replacing all other aspects of life with sexuality.

realism, practicality, self-confidence of partners.

The main one is dissatisfaction with sexual relations in a couple, because of which there are quarrels, scandals, betrayals, jealousy. appearance) also causes greed (the desire to have more and better), and all together leads to dissatisfaction with what is, lack of a sense of stability, devotion, trust.

What to do? In this case, the answer for the spouses themselves is quite obvious and most often the decision is made to divorce and search for a new partner that meets expectations. If, nevertheless, there is a desire to save the family, then it is necessary to change your ideas about family happiness. At this level of relationship, there is a huge scope for growth and self-awareness, so you can choose any of the points written above and just start changing in this direction. For example, try not to be interested in strangers men (women), maintain close relationships only with your husband / wife.

2. Achievement of material wealth, when a man and a woman see the prospect of their family acquiring all kinds of material assets (an apartment, a car, a summer house, jewelry, expensive things and pears for children, expensive food, etc.). All the forces of the family go to this. A happy family seems when it has "everything". The main problem with this approach is the inability to stop in their desires. When you have two cars, you want a third. A fifth fur coat and a bigger country house.

practicality and realism, the ability to solve everyday issues well, manage values.

The main difficulty of such a family is the lack of sincerity and real warmth, replacing them with gifts, “tokens of attention”. In addition, greed and a desire to buy / acquire more are characteristic. Often in a family, spouses may feel a lack of attention towards each other and children, who are very sensitive to this and can react with whims, “uncontrollability”, all kinds of fears, and wayward behavior in adolescence.

It is for a family with material values ​​that the painful question is usually very relevant: “What to do with the accumulated?” Thinking about who and how to give the inheritance (or maybe to no one at all?) Can occupy all the time and mental strength of the head of the family.

What to do? If the question of divorce arises in such a family, then it is often accompanied by fears regarding common (or only one's) property. If you want to save a family, then do it not for the sake of accumulating even greater benefits or preserving existing ones, but from the bottom of your heart, because you want to be together. I understand that these words may seem empty, but otherwise there is no point in preserving the family - sooner or later you will have to part with the money (you won’t be able to take it with you to another life), but what will you have left at this moment?

3. Another family value can be social status, prestige, position in society. Even in our freedom-loving time, few will argue that the status married man(and even more so a married woman) is more preferable than a single man. So far, on an unconscious level, we have a more respectful and serious attitude towards married couples than to those in “open relationships”. Most often, neither we ourselves nor those around us are aware of this, but if you observe yourself and your loved ones, you will notice that this is so. I won’t remind you of the older generation, which, with horror and trembling in their voice, asks their beloved granddaughter about when will she officially become Petya’s wife? Therefore, simply having a stamp in your passport and a ring on your finger can be a very definite goal of family life. “I’m not alone, I’m married”, “I can’t promise you anything, I’m married” are excellent settings.

A similar goal is to achieve a certain position in society thanks to a successful party or the joint efforts of the spouses. Agree, this also happens - marriages of convenience, or active career building by both spouses, prestigious education for children. The family in this case dreams of seeing itself influential and authoritative in society, the main thing for it is social stability and success.

support each other in all endeavors, the desire to give the best to their children,

Often such families are accompanied by a feeling of loneliness: you seem to be surrounded by relatives, but they are just like that, but in fact there is no genuine relationship between them. Family members are characterized by assertiveness and confidence in their exceptional rightness, which often complicate both the relationship of the spouses themselves and their children, pressure on children, authoritarianism, extreme employment, lack of free time for the family, communication, warmth, good emotions prevail. In addition, a certain social status imposes some obligations that regulate the life of the family, which may not suit one of the spouses, but most often the children. Just as often, these families are accompanied by the fear of losing their position, not to mention the fact that not everyone manages to achieve what they want, which in turn causes apathy, confusion, loss of meaning in life in general and at the same time family life.

What to do? In a situation where the goal of family life is simply the acquisition of a certain status, maintaining a relationship is not easy. What could be worse than feeling lonely among the household? The main thing that can and should be done in this situation is to develop relationships with loved ones, and not according to a formal principle, but in a real way: to be interested in their life outside of their position in society. Find out what your other half and children are fond of (forget about their success at school for a while), arrange good movies together and delicious family dinners. It can be difficult, at first seem strange and ridiculous and not be accepted by loved ones. But you have to start somewhere! Slowly, the relationship will thaw and reach a new level!

4. Support for each other, moral values ​​- when a family is created in order to support each other, to promote the development of one's spouse. The family is based on moral values, humanistic ideals, it will be important for a husband and wife to maintain each other's interests, to create a circle of like-minded people. they like to do something together, often they even get to know each other on the basis of a common hobby and a shared outlook on life, for example, on a mountain hike or in yoga classes, in a sports club, in a theater studio.

support for each other, trust, similar outlooks on life, common hobbies, obligations to each other and the desire to fulfill them.

It would seem, what difficulties can arise in a family where two people respect each other, support, care? In such a family, high expectations from the spouse are possible, which can lead to disappointment after some time of marriage. Someone in the family may change their views and values, and this will put the spouses on different sides. It is also possible to be jealous of the hobby of the second half, to his circle of friends, work. The birth of children can also bring certain trials, since you will have to rebuild your lifestyle, change your views in some way.

But, perhaps, the main test in such a family is a reassessment of values ​​- when both spouses understand that their former views on life have changed, but there are no new ones yet. There is a search in the system of values, there is a difficult work on self-awareness. At this moment, it is difficult for everyone to understand themselves and maintain relationships that, along with the loss of a landmark, lose their meaning and significance.

What to do? Be mobile and ready for change. Do not make hasty decisions and give your other half time to develop. At the same time, change yourself. Be tolerant, remember how your relationship began, what feelings and emotions did you experience? Try to revive these feelings in yourself, immerse yourself in memories of warm moments together and wait for some time, being reinforced by them. Your other half - here it is, the same as then. Something has changed, but the person you loved is here with you, he just needs time to find himself. Yes, and you need time for the same.

5. Birth and upbringing of children. Some people marry for the purpose of having and raising children. Moreover, it is not so important whether a couple wants one or two children or dreams of becoming a large family, they have one goal - to devote themselves to children. Parents look tenderly at the children of other families, are actively preparing to become parents themselves (all kinds of courses, books, medical examinations, healthy lifestyle life), create all possible conditions for the growth and development of their children (circles, classes, sections, travel, a lot of communication, experience different education systems, etc.). In such a family, they rejoice at every achievement of the child, support all his undertakings. When children grow up and create their own families, support and care continues for the young couple, for their grandchildren.

sincere love for your children and often for your spouse. Sacrifice, a tendency to take care of others, to give in, attentiveness to what is happening, warmth of the heart, openness, kindness.

The main one is excesses in education and overprotection. Loving your child and taking care of him, it is important to teach him independence, sober thinking. Also, a frequent companion of such families is an inadequate assessment of their children. In families where children are the main value, age-related crises of children, their inconsistency with the expectations of parents and other relatives are very hard to endure, children grow up with the feeling that they constantly owe something to their parents, which hinders their own personal growth.

The inability of parents to be husband and wife to each other can become a great difficulty - they have always been in the roles of parents, but when they are left alone with each other, they can suddenly realize that they are strangers.

A serious test can be the inability to give birth to their children. Then the couple enters the circle of endless ordeals in hospitals, unfulfilled hopes.

What to do? The main thing is not to forget that in addition to the parental role, you also have a marital role. Dedicate time not only to children and taking care of them, but also to your husband (wife), take an interest in his life, arrange joint weekends, vacations, even just short walks and evening gatherings together, leaving care of children for some time.

In relations with children, try to observe the measure and harmony. Give them enough freedom, study their real characteristics. And most importantly - do not be afraid! No matter how strange it may sound, the goal of the family is not only and not so much in the birth and upbringing of children. Look for what the mission of your family is, how you and your spouse can be realized thanks to each other.

6. Service to God. A family that initially (or over time) realizes that, in general, any of the goals of family life is not eternal and can lead to disappointment, makes a conscious decision to devote themselves to God. These words may sound somehow loud and pathetic, but in fact it is a very simple understanding that all the previous values ​​that we have considered are temporary, they are relevant only in this material life. Even having fully realized as parents, having achieved material and social benefits, trust in each other and mutual understanding, we do not see what we will take with us further, into eternal life. Of course, this is true for those who believe that we are not just bodies, but immortal souls.

A family that trusts itself to God and chooses the meaning of its life to serve him, tries to live in accordance with its faith. When the main thing in a family is a relationship with God, then all other issues are resolved more easily and do not have dramatic power, because they are just trials on the way to building a strong family, glorifying God with their lives.

I would like to think that in such families there are no difficulties and reasons for divorce, however, partings happen even among spiritual people. What is their reason? Perhaps in exaggerated expectations from the spouse, in the substitution of a true understanding of the family, pride in oneself and one's achievements and other issues that are most often associated with what is called passions in Orthodoxy: pride, faith in the mind, anger, hatred and a lot others.

What to do? Realize that none of us are perfect. Lead a spiritual life in your tradition, seek advice from a mentor. And most importantly, trust God and ask Him for love.

Look and analyze what is the meaning of your family life now? And how would you like to see it in the future? In accordance with this, you can outline for yourself what exactly you can change right now in order to get closer to your family ideal.

All the advice I give here is general and just to give you an idea of ​​what you can do in your particular situation. At first, it may seem that changing the situation is unrealistic, and there is nothing to change. But believe me if you sincerely want to change the relationship in your family, save it, then this is possible . You need to start with small steps, gradually changing yourself and your attitude towards loved ones, and over time they will answer you the same! Just do not expect lightning-fast results: in our fast-paced age, it is impossible to imagine that any process would require a long time. However the sphere of family relations does not tolerate haste, just as your relationship was not complicated for an hour or even one year, they will be restored gradually. Take your time and do everything with love, then everything will certainly work out!

Source:
Harmony Life
Most recently, I talked about the crises of family life, trying to answer the question "Is it worth saving the family?" But the previous article will not be complete if we do not talk about the purpose of family life, i.e. globally - about its meaning. Why do we need a family at all? The answer will depend on the tactics of behavior in a crisis family situation, understanding where to go next and what to do ...
http://klepinina.com/2015/10/16/v-chem-cmysl-semeynoy-zhizni/

meanings of the Rosaceae family in nature and in human life

1.Used for food.

3) orange paint is made.

4) used in perfumery

5) create decorative living

Rosaceae are very important for humans and in nature)

One of the largest and economically important plant families, uniting ornamental, fruit, berry, melliferous, forest protection, forest reclamation, essential oil, vitamin and medicinal plants growing all over the world.

This group includes most fruit and many ornamental taxa bred in the temperate zone, including apple, pear, apricot, peach, almond, cherry, plum, strawberry, raspberry, rose, spirea, hawthorn, mountain ash.

Source:
The meanings of the Rosaceae family in nature and in human life
School knowledge.com is a service in which users help each other with their studies for free, exchange knowledge, experience and views.
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Crises of family life

In any marriage, crises of family life are inevitable: how do they come and why? Why, not why. Asking why there is a crisis is like asking why people develop. Both Western psychology, with its materialistic approach, and Eastern philosophy, which puts family relationships on a scale with eternity, agree that the meaning of human life is in the accumulation of new experience, and therefore in the development of personality.

Whether we like it or not, every person develops. And the family becomes the place where the difference in the speed of change is most noticeable. Someone takes off with a rocket, someone skids, someone deviated in the opposite direction ...

Sensitive family members react immediately: first with questions, then with indignation and an ultimatum. But people with thick skin may not notice for years where the family boat is sailing and what happens to each of the spouses, and then get a uniform crisis - and suddenly reject the relationship.

How to determine that the crisis of family relations has come:

• quarrels noticeably become more frequent, the couple has a feeling that, despite reconciliation, each time they do not exhaust the conflict to the end;
• intimate life suffers - both feel coldness and removals;
• the worst aspects of character appear - selfishness, distrust, resentment, greed;
• the circle of relatives and friends breaks up into those who sympathize with the husband or wife;
• material concerns begin to occupy all the thoughts and conversations of the spouses.

What are the crises in family life? You don't have to be a psychologist to know about the "folk periodization" of marital relations.

The crisis in the first year of family life is ridiculously simple and looks the same for almost all couples. The couple begins to notice that each is no longer behaving as wonderfully as before the wedding: a cultural intellectual drinks beer on the couch, and a glamorous hostess hangs on the phone in a scarf with curlers.

They look at each other in amazement and are ardently indignant that they didn’t imagine everything and that, it turns out, they are so different. And they are also desperately trying to make each other become the same - interesting, tender, ready for anything for the sake of love.

Leaving aside the cases when the spouse really turned out to be a monster and you urgently need to escape from him with a divorce, then it is worth remembering that when entering into a marriage, the bride and groom promised each other to be together in different trials. Disappointment is one of them. Women tend to argue: they didn’t get married in order to get divorced in a year. But even husbands do not want to give up on the first try, partly out of love for a woman, partly not wanting to lose the comfort of the family hearth, to which they have already become accustomed.

What should a husband and wife do? The main factor crisis at this stage - irritation that occurs more and more often and brighter. You need to fight it both inside yourself and outside - communicating with a partner. Don't like how your husband spends the weekend at the computer?

To say this without bluntness, offering a delicious dinner in return for a walk. And inside, learn to love him for who he is. The task of the first year is to pay off unreasonably high demands on the spouse and develop tender love.

Overcoming the crisis of 3 years in family life depends on the success and developments in the past difficult period. If the couple has not learned to get along with each other, then now it will be especially difficult for them.

The secret of the third year is that the grinding of characters is not over, it continues at a new level. And what the spouses seemed to be used to returned with a vengeance.

As a rule, husband and wife during these three years managed to do a lot of good for each other. And it is easy to undermine the atmosphere of love and respect in the house, simply relying on the desire to receive a fair reward for your work.

Another scourge of the three-year crisis is the feeling of being holy right. But this is precisely the answer for the spouses: at this stage, it is important to realize that the critical husband is right, and the scandalous wife is also right, because everyone carries their own human truth.

Another thing, but where is the love? The lesson to be learned is about love, covering all the most just reproaches and accusations. And again - learn to listen and hear your other half!

Few people know that a pood of salt from a saying, in other words, two people eat real 16 kilograms of this seasoning just in five years. Husband and wife got to know each other quite closely and were in various critical situations. Their families became close or, conversely, quarreled. There must have been children. That is, the microclimate has been established.

A woman feels that a veil has fallen from her eyes regarding her husband - he is clearly not a prince on a white horse, but he is not without dignity either. The husband gave up his habit of scolding his wife for trifles and stopped worrying and proving his status in the family. Many problems have been solved, but ... How much has not been done! If a man is not going through a crisis of family life for 5 years, then he most likely has a feeling that his patience is running out.

An established domestic hierarchy may fundamentally contradict his desires and ideas about himself. And if something is changed, he thinks, then right now, because it makes no sense to drag it further.

What if there are no children yet or their presence does not hold the spouses and the marriage is bursting at the seams? Psychologists say that the only way to get out of the current crisis cycle is to learn to thank each other.

It is now that the spouses should realize how much good they have already invested in their union. What unfulfilled promises and unfulfilled plans can be so important to cross out the love and warmth that they received in the family?

The crisis of family relations for 7 years has a special face - mature and experienced. The couple knows how to extinguish the flash inside and together overcome difficulties outside the family. So what's the problem?

If there is a syndrome of postponed life discussed by psychologists several years ago, then here it comes powerfully and inevitably in one or both at once.

The advantage of a seven-year marriage is that a man and a woman managed to rise above the passions that from the very beginning attracted them to each other and pushed them against each other. The downside is that most couples see this not as an achievement of a higher love, but as a cooling off.

Trouble comes in the form of lovers and mistresses, an illusory beginning, as when passion was seething and everything was new. At this stage, the couple's fidelity becomes a treasure that can help both keep the promises they made to each other seven years ago.

Even if the conversations lead nowhere, you can overcome this difficult period with the help of love for the family and endurance. Sometimes the only wise decision is to wait until the spouse has gone through a transitional age and has caught up with the partner in a higher awareness of the relationship. The surge of egoism will definitely pass, and a new quality of peace in the family will be established for a long time.

Be wise and learn to appreciate your loved ones, and then not a single crisis will be terrible for you!

There is nothing surprising in the fact that the happiness of a full-fledged family in our time has become the lot of a few. The science of building a family is forgotten. It's like with ancient crafts. For example, the Aztec tribes once knew how to build walls from huge stones. Now no one can lift such stones with anything, therefore no one manages to build such walls. The rules for building a family are also forgotten.

The difference between a family and ancient crafts is that a stone wall can be replaced with a concrete one. Though not so long, but it will serve. But there is nothing to replace the family. Few can be happy being alone. Other forms of the union of two people have shown that they are not suitable for a traditional family.

The family has huge advantages over all other forms of accommodation. love relationships: the ability of all family members to be happy, the ability to keep love indefinitely for a long time, the ability to raise children as full-fledged, harmonious personalities.

Why are we talking about the possibility - because a person is free to destroy any of his work. But at least in the family there is a chance to achieve all these benefits, the highest benefits available to a person. And in such forms of relations as “guest marriage”, “civil marriage”, homosexual “marriage”, the chances are a thousand times less.

To create a family, you need to know how to build it. This is big, serious science. In this chapter, we will consider only some of the fundamental points of the art of building a family.

The main goal of family life

If you ask young people who are not yet married what the purpose of starting a family is, most likely they will answer something like this: “Well, what is the purpose? Two people love each other and want to be together!”

Basically, the answer is good. The only problem is that there is a long distance from “want to be together” to “to be able to be together”. If you start a family with the sole purpose of "being together", a moment that is shown in many films is almost inevitable. He and she lie in the same bed, she sleeps, and he thinks. And now, looking at the sleeping body next to him, he is surprised: “What is this completely alien person doing here? Why do I live with him? And can't find answers. That moment may come after ten years of marriage, or sooner, but it will come. The question "WHY?" will rise to its full, enormous height. But it will be too late. This question should have been asked before.

Imagine you have a friend. This person is of interest to you. You invite him to go on a journey with you. If he agrees, naturally, you will set yourself the goal of the trip - among the different places where you can go, you will choose for yourself the one that, in the eyes of the two of you, is attractive.

It happens that people are so good with each other that they are ready to board any plane, ship or train that comes along. And it's wonderful in its own way. But what are the chances that this plane, steamship, or train will take you to as good a place as you can consciously map out? Maybe you will come to some bandit region, where your friend will simply be killed, and you will be left alone? After all, real life, unlike dreamy, is full of dangers.

Family life is also like traveling. How can you go into it without setting any goal? Not only should there be a goal, it must be high enough, significant, so that you can go towards this goal all your life. Otherwise, you will reach this goal after a certain number of years - and automatically your journey together will end. Whether after that you will be able to come up with a new goal and whether this person will agree to go with you on a new journey is another question.

For this reason, another common goal of family life - to give birth and raise children - cannot be the main one either. You will give birth to children, raise them, and as soon as they become adults, your marriage is over. He has fulfilled his function. It can end in divorce or continue to exist like a living corpse... A real family, thanks to the right goal, never becomes a corpse.

The purpose of the journey is absolutely necessary and for another reason. Until you determine the purpose of the trip, you will not understand what qualities your companion should have. If you are traveling, say, for the purpose of a beach holiday, a person with the same talents and skills will suit you. If on a road trip through ancient cities - with others. If you go hiking in the mountains - the third. Otherwise, you will be bored on the beach, while traveling around the cities there will be no one to drive a car, and in the mountains with an unreliable comrade you can even die.

Without knowing what the purpose of family life is, you will not be able to properly assess the prospective partner. How good is he in order to go along with him exactly the path that is planned? “Like” is an absolutely necessary, but far from sufficient quality of the chosen one. How many disappointments, broken lives because of the false belief that in a relationship of love reason is an ugly atavism! On the contrary: without using reason, you cannot save love.

So, what is the purpose of making a family real?

The ultimate goal of the family is love.

Yes, family is a school of love. In a real family, love grows from year to year. Thus, the family is an institution ideally suited for people to achieve their true, only true meaning of life - to achieve perfect love.

As we have already said, according to a number of psychologists, love begins after 10-15 years of married life. Let's not take these figures too seriously, because all people are different, and measuring love is not so easy. The meaning of these figures is that love is achieved in the family, and not immediately.

As Mikhail Prishvin said, "Real life is the life of a person in connection with his loved ones: alone, a person is a criminal, either towards the intellect, or towards the bestial instinct." Simplifying, a man alone is almost always an egoist. He only has the ability to take care of himself. Living in close contact with other people forces him to think about others, sometimes to give up his own interests for the interests of those who are nearby. And the closest communication is between spouses. We get to know a person very closely, with all his shortcomings, and despite his shortcomings, we try to continue to love him. Moreover, we strive to love him as ourselves and generally overcome the division into “I” and “you”, having learned to think from the position of “we”. To do this, we have to overcome our egoism, our shortcomings.

The ancient sage said: "One does not argue with those who deny the foundations." When spouses have one goal, it is much easier for them to agree with each other: they have a single basis. And what a base! If the measure of all our great and small deeds is whether we act out of love or not, and whether our deed leads to an increase or decrease in love, we act really beautifully and wisely.

When we begin to understand things correctly, we find that the world is whole, beautiful and harmonious: the purpose of the family is fully consistent with the purpose human life! This means that the family was invented in order to help a person achieve his main goal. God divided people into men and women so that it would be easier for us to love each other.

A family consists of two adults

Only two adult, independent people can form a family. One of the indicators of adulthood is the overcoming of dependence on parents, separation from them.

This is not only about material dependence, but, above all, about psychological. If at least one of the spouses continues to be emotionally dependent on one of the parents, it is not possible to create a full-fledged family. Especially big problems arise for the sons and daughters of single mothers: single mothers often establish a strong, painful bond with their children and do not want to let their child go even when he has already registered his marriage.

Basic functions of the family

To love and be loved is a basic human need. And it is easiest to implement it in the family. But for the well-being of the family, it is necessary that the other needs of the spouses, the fulfillment of which relates to the functions of the family, be realized. The functions of the family, which is quite obvious, include such tasks as the birth and upbringing of children, the satisfaction of the material needs of the family (home, food, clothing), the solution of household tasks (repair, laundry, cleaning, shopping for food, cooking, etc. .), and also, less obviously, communication, emotional support for each other, leisure.

It happens that, while focusing on some of the functions of the family, the spouses lose sight of the rest of the functions. This leads to imbalance and problems. After all, even such a seemingly secondary function of the family as leisure, is of considerable importance, since it helps to replenish the "energy" balance of the family. A family in which everyone is constantly busy with the performance of material and household functions, and perform these functions excellently, but do not relax together, may encounter unexpected problems.

Many Western researchers say that the most important thing to maintain a relationship is communication- the ability of two people to talk heart to heart with each other, sincerely and with confidence to express their feelings and listen carefully to the other. “One of the indicators of a healthy relationship is the appearance a large number insignificant phrases that only make sense to spouses,” says Josh McDowell, author of the acclaimed book Secrets of Love. Oddly enough, the cause of adultery on the part of women is often their dissatisfaction with not the physiological side of marriage, but precisely the lack of communication with her husband, insufficient emotional closeness.

emotional support is a type of communication that performs a separate function. We all need emotional support, comfort, approval from time to time. It is generally accepted that only women need a “strong shoulder” of a man, a “stone wall”. In fact, the husband no less needs the psychological support of his wife. But the support that men and women need is somewhat different. This topic is very well and in detail disclosed in the book by John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus."

The role of sex in family life

In "easy" relationships, sex is just a physiological pleasure caused by the stimulation of erogenous zones.

Sex in a real marriage is an expression of love, a union not only of two bodies, but at some level of souls. The sex of loving people in marriage is spiritually beautiful, it is like a prayer, a prayer of gratitude to God and a prayer for each other. The pleasure of sex in an "easy" relationship is nothing compared to the pleasure of marriage.

But the mere fact of registering a marriage does not guarantee that the couple will fully receive this pleasure. If people before legal marriage “practiced” in irresponsible sex for a long time, and not always with loved ones, they have fixed certain skills, these people are used to the fact that sex is a very definite thing. Will they be able to reorganize themselves internally, discover new heights of this pleasure? The longer they cohabited outside of marriage, the less likely it is.

The unity of loving people is not only a physiological process, but also a spiritual one. Therefore, the role of physiology here is not as great as in premarital "sport". The myth that sexual compatibility is one of the fundamental points for creating a family was not born by sexologists. Experienced and honest sexologists, who are not concerned with proving the importance of their own profession, put sexual compatibility in its proper place. Here is what sexologist Vladimir Fridman says:

“We must not confuse cause with effect. Harmonious sex is a consequence of true love. Loving spouses almost always (in the absence of diseases and the availability of relevant knowledge) can and should achieve harmony in bed.

Moreover, only mutual feelings can keep satisfaction in sex for many years. Love is not a consequence, but the cause (the main condition) of intimate satisfaction. The desire to give rather than receive drives her. And vice versa, “love” born of enchanting sex, most often a short-lived chimera, is one of the main reasons for the destruction of those families where spouses have not learned to give each other real physiological satisfaction.

On the other hand, intimate harmony nourishes love, one who does not understand this can lose everything. The pursuit of orgasm outside of marriage without deep feelings gives rise to sexual dependency, when partners want only to have fun.

Giving, not receiving, is the main slogan of love!

One can argue for a long time about the magnitude of the power of sexual desire given to each. Indeed, there are people with a weak, medium and strong sexual constitution. It’s easier if the needs and opportunities in the family coincide, and if not, only love can help reach a reasonable compromise.”

Saul Gordon, psychologist and director of the Institute for the Study of Family and Education, says that, according to his research, sex ranks only ninth among the ten most important aspects of relationships, far behind such traits as caring, communication, and a sense of humor. Love takes the first place.

American psychologists also calculated that spouses spend less than 0.1% of the time in a state of sexual games. That is less than one thousandth!

Intimacy in family life is a precious expression of love, but not the only expression, and moreover, not the main one. Without a complete match of all physiological parameters, a family can be full-fledged, happy. Without love, no. Therefore, to arrange premarital checks for sexual incompatibility means to lose more for the sake of less. It is natural to desire sex with a loved one before marriage, but truly loving behavior will wait until marriage.

When does a family start?

There are different situations in life ... And yet, for most people, the family begins from the moment of its state registration.

State registration has two useful aspects. First, legal recognition of your marriage. It takes off important questions about the paternity of children, jointly acquired property, about inheritance.

The second aspect is perhaps even more important. This is your official, public, oral and written consent to be husband and wife to each other.

We often underestimate the power of the words we speak. We think: "The dog barks - the wind carries." But in fact: "The word is not a sparrow, it will fly out - you won't catch it." And “What is written with a pen cannot be cut down with an axe.”

How, throughout the history of mankind, have people consolidated mutual obligations? A promise, a word, a mutual agreement. The word is a form of expression of thought. Thought, as you know, is material. Thought has power. A promise made even to oneself, especially in writing, is already showing its strength. For example, if you make a promise to yourself not to repeat a certain bad habit, it will be much easier not to repeat it. There will be a barrier before its repetition. And if we do not fulfill the promise, the feeling of guilt will be much stronger.

A solemn, public, oral and written oath of two has great power. There is nothing loud in the words spoken during registration, but if you think about it, these are very serious words.

If, for example, we were asked during registration: “Do you agree, Tatyana, to spend the night with Ivan in the same bed and enjoy it together until you get tired of it”? Then, of course, there would be nothing terrible in this obligation.

But they ask us if we agree to take each other as wives (husbands)! This is a great thing!

Imagine you came to sign up for the sports section. And there they tell you: “We have a serious sports club, we work for the result. We will accept you only if you make a written commitment to take at least third place at the World Championships or the Olympics.” Perhaps you, before signing, think about how hard and long you have to work to achieve such a result.

The obligation to be a wife (husband), and not some ideal person, but this one, alive, with flaws, means in fact that we take on even more work than that which makes people champions. But our reward will be immeasurably more pleasant than the golden round and glory ...

The modern wedding ceremony was composed a hundred years ago by the communists as a replacement for the sacrament of the wedding of the Church they were destroying. And what was in the arsenal of the communists that would correspond to love? Never mind. Therefore, this whole ceremony, its standard phrases really look miserable and sometimes funny. One of my friends was a witness at the wedding. The receptionist says, "Young people, come forward." My friend later told me: “Well, I don’t consider myself old” ... And so the three of us went forward ...

But behind all these funny, stupid or boring moments, you need to see the essence of registering a marriage, which strengthens the strength and determination of loving people to really be together all their lives and puts up barriers to the temptation to betray that may arise in the future.

These barriers are surmountable. But still, they help us to get the better of our weaknesses.

What is a wedding

Couples whose marriage has already been registered by the state are allowed to get married in the Orthodox Church. This is due to the fact that until 1917 the Church also had obligations related to the registration of births, marriages, and deaths. Since now the registration function has been transferred to the registry offices, in order to avoid confusion, in the interests of those who are getting married, the Church asks them for a marriage certificate.

The wedding has that beauty, that grandeur, which state registration is deprived of. But if you want to get married just for the sake of this external beauty, I think it's better not to do it. Perhaps, over time, you will become more aware of what a wedding is, and then you will be able to get married for real, consciously. After all, this is not an external procedure, but something that requires your mental and spiritual participation.

I can hardly reveal even a small part of the significance that a wedding has. I will only mention a few points briefly.

Unlike the state, the Church gives priority to love and marriage. Therefore, the sacrament of marriage is so solemn and majestic. This is indeed a great joy for all the members of the Church present.

Normally, those who get married are virgins. Therefore, the Church honors their feat of abstinence and, as conquerors over their passions, crowns them with royal crowns. Who lives by passions is a slave. Whoever conquers passions is the king of himself and his life. White dress and the veil emphasize the purity of the bride.

But at the same time, the Church understands what a difficult undertaking marriage is. The Church is aware of visible and, most importantly, invisible forces that will seek to destroy this marriage. No wonder the Russian proverb warns: “When going to war, pray; going to the sea, pray twice; if you want to get married, pray three times.” And possessing the power that alone can resist the forces of invisible evil, the Church in the sacrament of marriage gives those who are married God's blessing on their marriage as a force that will strengthen and protect their love. This marriage is truly made in heaven. That is why the wedding is not a rite, but a Sacrament, that is, a mystery and a miracle.

In the words of the prayers read during the wedding, the Church wishes the spouses such great blessings that even the closest relatives will not wish them at the wedding.

The Church believes that marriage is something that goes beyond death. In Paradise, people do not live a married life, but some connection, some closeness between husband and wife can remain there.

To get married, you need to be baptized, believe in God, trust the Church. And great happiness for those who are getting married if they have many believing friends who can pray for them.

What is the difference between the roles of husband and wife in marriage?

Men and women are not naturally the same, so it is natural that the roles of husband and wife in marriage are also different. The world we live in is not chaotic. This world is harmonious and hierarchical, and therefore the family - the most ancient of all human institutions - also lives in accordance with certain laws, a certain hierarchy.

There is a good Russian proverb: “The husband is the shepherd to the wife, the wife is the plaster to the husband.” Normally, the husband is the head of the family, the wife is his assistant. The woman feeds the family with her emotions, the husband calms the excess of emotions with his world. The husband is the front, the wife is the rear. The man is responsible for the interaction of the family with the outside world, that is, he provides the family financially, protects it, the wife supports the husband, takes care of the home. In the upbringing of children, both parents participate equally, in household issues - to the extent possible for each.

This distribution of roles is inherent in human nature. The unwillingness of spouses to play their natural roles, their desire to play the role of another makes people in the family unhappy, leads to material distress, drunkenness, domestic violence, betrayal, mental illness of children, family breakdown. As we can see, no technical progress cancels the operation of moral laws. "Ignorance of the law is not an excuse".

The main problem of the modern family is that the man is gradually losing the role of the head of the family. There are women who, for some reason, do not want to give a man his primacy. There are men who for some reason do not want to take it. If you want to be happy in family life, both parties need to make an effort on themselves so that the man is still the head of the family.

Everyone is free to have his own point of view on this issue, his own passions and can do as he sees fit. But there are facts. And they say that families in which the head is a man practically do not turn to family psychologists: they do not have serious problems. And families in which a woman dominates or fights for power turn to psychologists in huge quantities. And not only the spouses themselves apply, but also their children, who then, due to the mistakes of their parents, cannot arrange their personal lives. On our dating site znakom.realove.ru in the questionnaire of participants there is a question about who was the head of the parents' family. It is significant that the vast majority of women who cannot create a family in any way grew up in families where the mother was the commander-in-chief.

The viability of the family depends on the faithful observance of their roles by husband and wife. The vitality of society depends on the viability of the family. The famous American family psychologist James Dobson writes in his book: “The Western world stands at a great crossroads in its history. In my opinion, our very existence will depend on the presence or absence of male leadership.” Yes, the question is exactly this: to be or not to be. And we are already very close to not being. But each of us himself can determine the fate of his family, to be or not to be a real family. And if we choose to "be", we will contribute to the strengthening of our society, to the power of the country.

There are families in which a clearly strong and organized wife and a weak slob husband. The leadership of the wife is not even disputed. These are families created according to the so-called complementary principle, when people coincide with their shortcomings, like puzzles. I know relatively successful examples of such families, where people live together and, perhaps, will not part. But still, this is constant torment, hidden dissatisfaction on both sides, and considerable psychological problems in children.

I also observed an example of how you can build a healthy family, even if the natural data of the spouses do not match. The wife is a phenomenally strong, domineering, tough and talented person. Her husband is younger than her and by nature much weaker, but kind and intelligent. Both are university professors. The wife fully shows her strength in the professional field, where she has achieved great success (she is a psychologist, her name is known to almost everyone in Russia). In the family, with her husband, she is different. The palm is deliberately given to the husband. The wife "plays the retinue". Children are instilled with respect for their father. The husband's final decision is the law. And thanks to such support from his wife, the husband does not look unworthy of his role, he is the real head of the family. This is not some kind of acting, deception. Simply, being an experienced psychologist, she understands that it is so right. Perhaps this understanding was not easy for her. Her first two marriages failed. They have been together with their current husband for about 40 years, they have three children, the family feels warmth, peace and true love.

In the family, the retinue makes the king not only in outward respect, but also in the most genuine, psychological sense. A wise wife, choosing femininity and weakness, makes her husband more courageous and stronger. Even if the husband is not very worthy of respect, a wise wife tries to respect him for the sake of respect for spiritual laws, which, as she understands, she cannot change. She takes care of the house, that her husband and children feel good in it, and above all, psychologically. She tries to control her emotions. She does not humiliate, does not reproach, does not nag her husband. She consults with him. She does not “climb ahead of the father into hell”, so that both the first and the last word when discussing any issue are hers. She expresses her opinion, but leaves the final decision to her husband. And he does not bully him in cases where his decision was not the most successful.

Husband and wife are two communicating vessels. If the wife with patience and love shows her husband her sincere attitude towards him as the head of the family, he gradually becomes a real head.

Of course, it is necessary for the husband himself to take care of being the head of the family. Do everything you can to provide for the family. Do not be afraid to take decisions in serious matters, and responsibility for these decisions. A husband can also help a woman become more feminine, help her take the place that befits her in the family and in which she will feel like a woman.

The main strength of a man that conquers a woman is calmness, peace of mind. How to cultivate this peace in yourself? Like love, peace of mind grows as passions and bad habits are overcome.

The role of children in family life

Truth is always the golden mean. In relation to children, it is also important to avoid two extremes.

One extreme, especially characteristic of women: children come first, everything else, including the husband, comes second.

A family will remain a family only if the wife and husband always come first for each other. Who at the table should get the best piece? According to the saying of the Soviet era - "All the best for children"? Traditionally, the best piece has always gone to the man. Not only because the task of a man is the material support of the family, and for this he needs a lot of strength, but also as a sign of his seniority. If this is not the case, if the child is taught that he is the king of the family, an egoist grows up, not adapted to life, and to family life in particular. But, what is primary, the relationship between husband and wife suffers. If the wife loves the child more, the husband, as it were, becomes the third superfluous. He then seeks love on the side, and as a result, the family breaks up.

The other extreme: "children are a burden, as long as we can - we will live for ourselves." Children are not a burden, but such a joy that nothing can replace. I am familiar with two large families. One has six children, the other has seven. These are the happiest families I know. Yes, my parents work there. But how much love, joy, warmth!

In a normal family, parents do not "plan" and "regulate" how many children they have. First, many contraceptives work on the abortive principle. That is, they do not prevent conception, but kill an already formed embryo. Secondly, there is something above us that knows better than us how many children we need and when they will be born. Thirdly, the constant struggle for “non-conception” deprives intimate life spouses of the freedom and joy that they have every right to enjoy.

Your feedback

More recently, I talked about the crises of family life, trying to answer the question "Is it worth saving the family?"But the previous article would not be complete without talking about the goals of family life, i.e. globally - about its meaning. Why do we need a family at all? The tactics of behavior in a crisis family situation, understanding where to go next and what to do in your family life will depend on the answer.

The question of the meaning of family life can seem both simple and perplexing. When creating a family, officially getting married, we do not always think about why we are taking this step, and we do not discuss it with our other half. But even those who, at the beginning of their family life, clearly indicated where the family ship was heading, may eventually face the fact that the course has changed, the priorities are different, and now it is not at all clear where we are going together. Nevertheless, understanding the common family goal, the meaning of living together is very important. Precisely for the very existence of the family to be logical. Agree that doing meaningless business is a heavy and tedious duty. We do not like routine work that does not bring us emotional returns and is devoid of meaning for us. We refuse to read a book in a language unfamiliar to us, to join the community of amateur flower growers, when any plant growing is alien to us. The same is true in family life - it becomes burdensome, unclear if its meaning is lost (or until now not realized / not found).

What is the meaning of family life? In each married couple, the answer will be different, because there are no two absolutely identical families. But there are some general tendencies according to which several types of family relations can be distinguished. Depending on what type of family relations prevails in a couple, one can talk about the features of this family, about its strengths and the difficulties that the family may face. And also about how to overcome these difficulties.

In family psychology, there are several basic functions of the family that correspond to the goals of family life.

The main idea that I want to emphasize is that for a harmonious, happy, long family life, compatibility at all the levels described is important. That is, it is necessary to develop relationships across all functions. At the same time, communication at the level of higher values ​​automatically gives spouses compatibility on the rest.

So, what could be the main motives for creating a family and maintaining family relationships?

1. The very first motive satisfaction of sexual desire. Usually a couple with a connection at this level meets at a disco, in a bar, in some place of mass youth entertainment, in restaurants, rest houses, etc. For both partners, the external attractiveness and brightness of sexual relations will be the predominant factor. Most often, relationships built on the basis of sexual attraction are short-lived and unstable, civil marriages are typical, unwillingness to take responsibility. As soon as the partner has ceased to meet expectations, he is immediately replaced by another. If, nevertheless, the couple managed to start a family, then usually she has to overcome many difficulties and disagreements, since a person’s life is not limited only to the intimate side, it is wider and richer, but the spouses are not ready for it, replacing all other aspects of life with sexuality.

Strengths of the family:

realism, practicality, self-confidence of partners.

Possible difficulties:

The main one is dissatisfaction with sexual relations in a couple, because of which there are quarrels, scandals, betrayals, jealousy. the best), and all together leads to dissatisfaction with what is, lack of a sense of stability, devotion, trust.

What to do? In this case, the answer for the spouses themselves is quite obvious and most often the decision is made to divorce and search for a new partner that meets expectations. If, nevertheless, there is a desire to save the family, then it is necessary to change your ideas about family happiness. At this level of relationship, there is a huge scope for growth and self-awareness, so you can choose any of the points written above and just start changing in this direction. For example, try not to be interested in strangers men (women), maintain close relationships only with your husband / wife.

2. Achievement of material wealth, when a man and a woman see the prospect of their family acquiring all kinds of material assets (an apartment, a car, a summer house, jewelry, expensive things and pears for children, expensive food, etc.). All the forces of the family go to this. A happy family seems when it has "everything". The main problem with this approach is the inability to stop in their desires. When you have two cars, you want a third. A fifth fur coat and a bigger country house.

Strengths of the family:

practicality and realism, the ability to solve everyday issues well, manage values.

Possible difficulties:

The main difficulty of such a family is the lack of sincerity and real warmth, replacing them with gifts, “tokens of attention”. In addition, greed and a desire to buy / acquire more are characteristic. Often in a family, spouses may feel a lack of attention towards each other and children, who are very sensitive to this and can react with whims, “uncontrollability”, all kinds of fears, and wayward behavior in adolescence.

It is for a family with material values ​​that the painful question is usually very relevant: “What to do with the accumulated?” Thinking about who and how to give the inheritance (or maybe to no one at all?) Can occupy all the time and mental strength of the head of the family.

What to do? If the question of divorce arises in such a family, then it is often accompanied by fears regarding common (or only one's) property. If you want to save a family, then do it not for the sake of accumulating even greater benefits or preserving existing ones, but from the bottom of your heart, because you want to be together. I understand that these words may seem empty, but otherwise there is no point in preserving the family - sooner or later you will have to part with the money (you won’t be able to take it with you to another life), but what will you have left at this moment?

3. Another family value can be social status, prestige, position in society. Even in our freedom-loving time, few will argue that the status of a married man (and even more so a married woman) is more preferable than a single person. So far, on an unconscious level, we have a more respectful and serious attitude towards married couples than to those in “open relationships”. Most often, neither we ourselves nor those around us are aware of this, but if you observe yourself and your loved ones, you will notice that this is so. I won’t remind you of the older generation, which, with horror and trembling in their voice, asks their beloved granddaughter about when will she officially become Petya’s wife? Therefore, simply having a stamp in your passport and a ring on your finger can be a very definite goal of family life. “I’m not alone, I’m married”, “I can’t promise you anything, I’m married” are excellent settings.

A similar goal is to achieve a certain position in society thanks to a successful party or the joint efforts of the spouses. Agree, this also happens - marriages of convenience, or active career building by both spouses, prestigious education for children. The family in this case dreams of seeing itself influential and authoritative in society, the main thing for it is social stability and success.

Strengths of the family:

support each other in all endeavors, the desire to give the best to their children,

Possible difficulties:

Often such families are accompanied by a feeling of loneliness: you seem to be surrounded by relatives, but they are just like that, but in fact there is no genuine relationship between them. Family members are characterized by assertiveness and confidence in their exceptional rightness, which often complicate both the relationship of the spouses themselves and their children, pressure on children, authoritarianism, extreme employment, lack of free time for the family, communication, warmth, good emotions prevail. In addition, a certain social status imposes some obligations that regulate the life of the family, which may not suit one of the spouses, but most often the children. Just as often, these families are accompanied by the fear of losing their position, not to mention the fact that not everyone manages to achieve what they want, which in turn causes apathy, confusion, loss of meaning in life in general and at the same time family life.

What to do? In a situation where the goal of family life is simply the acquisition of a certain status, maintaining a relationship is not easy. What could be worse than feeling lonely among the household? The main thing that can and should be done in this situation is to develop relationships with loved ones, and not according to a formal principle, but in a real way: to be interested in their life outside of their position in society. Find out what your other half and children are fond of (forget about their success at school for a while), arrange good movies together and delicious family dinners. It can be difficult, at first seem strange and ridiculous and not be accepted by loved ones. But you have to start somewhere! Slowly, the relationship will thaw and reach a new level!

4. Support for each other, moral values ​​- when a family is created in order to support each other, to promote the development of one's spouse. The family is based on moral values, humanistic ideals, it will be important for a husband and wife to maintain each other's interests, to create a circle of like-minded people. they like to do something together, often they even get to know each other on the basis of a common hobby and a shared outlook on life, for example, on a mountain hike or in yoga classes, in a sports club, in a theater studio.

Strengths of the family:

support for each other, trust, similar outlooks on life, common hobbies, obligations to each other and the desire to fulfill them.

Possible difficulties:

It would seem, what difficulties can arise in a family where two people respect each other, support, care? In such a family, high expectations from the spouse are possible, which can lead to disappointment after some time of marriage. Someone in the family may change their views and values, and this will put the spouses on different sides. It is also possible to be jealous of the hobby of the second half, to his circle of friends, work. The birth of children can also bring certain trials, since you will have to rebuild your lifestyle, change your views in some way.

But, perhaps, the main test in such a family is a reassessment of values ​​- when both spouses understand that their former views on life have changed, but there are no new ones yet. There is a search in the system of values, there is a difficult work on self-awareness. At this moment, it is difficult for everyone to understand themselves and maintain relationships that, along with the loss of a landmark, lose their meaning and significance.

What to do? Be mobile and ready for change. Do not make hasty decisions and give your other half time to develop. At the same time, change yourself. Be tolerant, remember how your relationship began, what feelings and emotions did you experience? Try to revive these feelings in yourself, immerse yourself in memories of warm moments together and wait for some time, being reinforced by them. Your other half - here it is, the same as then. Something has changed, but the person you loved is here with you, he just needs time to find himself. Yes, and you need time for the same.

5. Birth and upbringing of children. Some people marry for the purpose of having and raising children. Moreover, it is not so important whether a couple wants one or two children or dreams of becoming a large family, they have one goal - to devote themselves to children. Parents look tenderly at the children of other families, actively prepare themselves to become parents (all kinds of courses, books, medical examinations, a healthy lifestyle), create all possible conditions for the growth and development of their children (circles, classes, sections, travel, a lot of communication, experience various education systems, etc.). In such a family, they rejoice at every achievement of the child, support all his undertakings. When children grow up and create their own families, support and care continues for the young couple, for their grandchildren.

Strengths of the family:

sincere love for your children and often for your spouse. Sacrifice, a tendency to take care of others, to give in, attentiveness to what is happening, warmth of the heart, openness, kindness.

Possible difficulties:

The main one is excesses in education and overprotection. Loving your child and taking care of him, it is important to teach him independence, sober thinking. Also, a frequent companion of such families is an inadequate assessment of their children. In families where children are the main value, age-related crises of children, their inconsistency with the expectations of parents and other relatives are very hard to endure, children grow up with the feeling that they constantly owe something to their parents, which hinders their own personal growth.

The inability of parents to be husband and wife to each other can become a great difficulty - they have always been in the roles of parents, but when they are left alone with each other, they can suddenly realize that they are strangers.

A serious test can be the inability to give birth to their children. Then the couple enters the circle of endless ordeals in hospitals, unfulfilled hopes.

What to do? The main thing is not to forget that in addition to the parental role, you also have a marital role. Dedicate time not only to children and taking care of them, but also to your husband (wife), take an interest in his life, arrange joint weekends, vacations, even just short walks and evening gatherings together, leaving care of children for some time.

In relations with children, try to observe the measure and harmony. Give them enough freedom, study their real characteristics. And most importantly - do not be afraid! No matter how strange it may sound, the goal of the family is not only and not so much in the birth and upbringing of children. Look for what the mission of your family is, how you and your spouse can be realized thanks to each other.

6. Service to God. A family that initially (or over time) realizes that, in general, any of the goals of family life is not eternal and can lead to disappointment, makes a conscious decision to devote themselves to God. These words may sound somehow loud and pathetic, but in fact it is a very simple understanding that all the previous values ​​that we have considered are temporary, they are relevant only in this material life. Even having fully realized as parents, having achieved material and social benefits, trust in each other and mutual understanding, we do not see what we will take with us further, into eternal life. Of course, this is true for those who believe that we are not just bodies, but immortal souls.

A family that trusts itself to God and chooses the meaning of its life to serve him, tries to live in accordance with its faith. When the main thing in a family is a relationship with God, then all other issues are resolved more easily and do not have dramatic power, because they are just trials on the way to building a strong family, glorifying God with their lives.

Strengths of the family:

Faith in God

Possible difficulties:

I would like to think that in such families there are no difficulties and reasons for divorce, however, partings happen even among spiritual people. What is their reason? Perhaps in exaggerated expectations from the spouse, in the substitution of a true understanding of the family, pride in oneself and one's achievements and other issues that are most often associated with what is called passions in Orthodoxy: pride, faith in the mind, anger, hatred and a lot others.

What to do? Realize that none of us are perfect. Lead a spiritual life in your tradition, seek advice from a mentor. And most importantly, trust God and ask Him for love.

Look and analyze what is the meaning of your family life now? And how would you like to see it in the future? In accordance with this, you can outline for yourself what exactly you can change right now in order to get closer to your family ideal.

All the advice I give here is general and just to give you an idea of ​​what you can do in your particular situation. At first, it may seem that changing the situation is unrealistic, and there is nothing to change. But believe me if you sincerely want to change the relationship in your family, save it, then this is possible . You need to start with small steps, gradually changing yourself and your attitude towards loved ones, and over time they will answer you the same! Just do not expect lightning-fast results: in our fast-paced age, it is impossible to imagine that any process would require a long time. However the sphere of family relations does not tolerate haste, just as your relationship was not complicated for an hour or even one year, they will be restored gradually. Take your time and do everything with love, then everything will certainly work out!

Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

Family psychology is a branch of psychology that studies the essence and evolution of family relationships, the features of their emergence, formation, stabilization and disintegration, as well as a number of other issues related to family and family life. Family psychology is an extremely important section of psychology for most people, because for many of us the family is one of the basic values ​​on which our happiness depends. Building a good, strong, friendly family and developing all the relationships in it to a fairly high level is very difficult. Therefore, family psychology should be studied by every person who has or wants to start a family. The study of family psychology is a serious and very significant contribution to one's life, since a good, happy family is a reliable support for any person, thanks to which he can overcome any life difficulties and hardships. In this article, I will tell you about the most important, from my point of view, points for which it makes sense for you to be interested in family psychology, and even better to seriously study it. So if you, like me, are among those who adhere to family values ​​​​and value them, then take the time to read this article. It will help you pay attention to the most important aspects of family life.

Conflicts

One of the subjects of study of family psychology is conflicts. Since the family is a rather complex system, especially if the family is large, consisting of people of different generations, then taking into account human nature, it is quite obvious that conflicts cannot be avoided in it. Family conflicts are a common thing, another thing is that they can proceed in different ways, and depending on the behavior of the people taking part in them, the same conflicts lead to different consequences. Unfortunately, most people are not properly prepared for such conflicts. Usually we behave the way our parents behaved in similar situations, whose family life we ​​observed in childhood, which is fundamentally wrong. And not only because our own life situations may be just similar to those in which our parents were, but by no means identical, but also because many parents fail to set the right example of behavior in conflict situations for their children. Therefore, many people do not know how to behave correctly in a particular conflict situation, but often think they know. Well, if people at least turn to psychologists for help to resolve such conflicts, then they have the opportunity to avoid negative consequences from them. But some of them make a decision about how to act in the event of a particular conflict, being completely sure that they are right, before contacting a specialist, or do not consider it necessary to contact someone at all. It is quite obvious that without a positive experience in resolving family conflicts, such people only harm their lives, because their decisions often turn out to be wrong, especially in the long run.

Family psychology can not only teach people how to behave in a conflict situation in the family, but it also teaches how to prevent such conflicts. Suffice it to say that readiness for family conflicts in itself significantly reduces their severity. When a person understands, even before the creation of a family and before the conflict in it, what possible conflict situations he will face with a very high degree of probability, then he is morally more or less ready for them. Therefore, there will be no catastrophe for him if something suddenly goes wrong in his family, if at least unwanted, but not unforeseen problems arise in it. He will already have at least a rough idea of ​​​​what and how to do to resolve the conflict. So if you do not want to seek help from psychologists, for one reason or another, you yourself become psychologists for yourself and your family, by studying family psychology. You never know what disagreements can arise in a family, especially in a young one, not tempered by difficulties and trials. You need to be prepared for all this in advance, not flattering yourself with the hope that everything will be different in your family, that you will never have any problems, scandals, conflicts, disagreements. It happens in life, and I will even say so, everything should happen - both good and bad. So you need to be prepared for everything, including family conflicts. Family psychology, if you carefully study it, will prepare you for them.

Responsibility

The next point to which the psychology of the family pays its attention and which I consider very important is responsibility. Personally, it is difficult for me to imagine a normal, at least more or less, family, which would consist entirely of irresponsible people. Such families, of course, exist, but it is difficult to call them families, let alone normal, prosperous ones, because life in them is extremely stressful and unpredictable. Even when only one of the family members, one of the spouses, is an irresponsible person, the problems of such a family are guaranteed. And there are many such families in which one or both spouses are irresponsible people, believe me. Why does this happen, why is irresponsibility in families quite common? The thing is that some, and possibly many people, as it were, do not grow up to family life. Well, you know how it happens - you still want to take a walk, have fun, do different things that you don’t want to do when you have a family, but here you need to somehow control yourself, limit yourself in some way, bear responsibility, at least for themselves, not to mention other family members, deal with household issues, and so on. You understand - these are completely different lives. Life without a family and family life is like heaven and earth. And after all, one must prepare for family life, the same responsibility is brought up in a person from childhood, or rather, it should be brought up, but not always brought up.

On the other hand, egoism is very well developed in some people, not the one that is healthy, but the one that is childish, capricious, unreasonable egoism. And although children also have good altruism, which is not found in any adult, yet much more often they behave extremely selfishly, completely ignoring the desires, needs and problems of other people. And if a person does not grow out of all this, then the selfishness of his character affects his family life extremely negatively. It is enough to look at divorce statistics to understand that something is clearly wrong with our upbringing, or with culture, especially when you consider that many divorces occur due to the fact that people cannot agree with each other, and they cannot. do because they do not want to make concessions to each other. Thus, realizing the importance of a responsible approach to family life, a person can prepare himself for it by paying his attention not only to what family psychology teaches, but also to his personal qualities, his egoism, which must be moderated so that the family does not suffer from for him, and so that the person himself does not suffer because of him. After all, few people want to deal with selfish people, let alone live, even when these people are very charismatic and charming. Exceptions in which one of the spouses suffers because of the selfishness of the other do not count. I do not consider such families successful. The family should please a person, should make him happy, and not be a punishment for him.

Confidence

The next thing to say about family and family psychology is trust. Do I need to tell you that it must be present in a family, that without people's trust in each other, there will be no good family? As my experience tells me, this should not only be talked about, but also constantly repeated so that people who have a family or plan to start one try to do everything in their power to establish the most trusting relationship with their partner. It would seem, well, what kind of call is this, because if people want to create a good family, they already understand this very well, and those who don’t care what exactly they create, they don’t care about trust. However, as I have often observed, many people do not fully understand what trust between people should be and what it is based on. They seem to want to trust and want to be trusted, but they behave in such a way that by their actions they destroy all the partner’s trust in themselves, and their trust in the partner. After all, even a small, but very painful lie can undermine trust in a person for a very long time. And vice versa - if you unreasonably distrust your partner, suspect him of everything and constantly check - you thereby demonstrate your unfriendly attitude towards him. You yourself give your partner a reason to deceive you by unreasonably distrusting him. Because people become for us what we see in them.

This does not mean that you need to recklessly trust your soulmate, but your distrust, firstly, should not be demonstrative, and secondly, it should be based on irrefutable evidence, and not on any kind of speculation. How many families suffered only because one of the spouses had a not quite healthy imagination, because of which he saw deceit everywhere and in everything. So you need to be careful with this, because no one likes to be accused of something unreasonably and unfairly. And of course, you need to watch your own actions so as not to undermine your confidence. After all, how often have I dealt with people who wanted their husband or wife to trust them, when many of their actions seriously undermined this very trust. People, of course, are different, some have a short memory, others have a long one, and still others, as they say, are completely vindictive, so that everyone has a different attitude to the treacherous acts of other people, especially people close to him. But still, most of us - resentment and betrayal remember for a very long time. That is why they say that it is very difficult to win the trust of people - it takes years. But you can lose it in an instant. So family trust plays a very important role. And not only in the family, but in life in general.

Relationships between spouses

Also in the field of view of family psychology is such an area of ​​​​knowledge as the relationship between spouses. Actually, part of these relations are, among other things, the points I have already described above - conflicts, responsibility, trust. But not only. It is important to understand here that the relationship between spouses is a special form of relationship. And the main feature of these relationships is that married people have certain obligations to each other. There are relationships without obligations, they have their pros and cons, but basically, when we talk about family relationships, these are relationships with obligations. But these obligations, you understand, should not so much be stipulated by law and set out on paper as they should be in the minds of people who must voluntarily take them upon themselves. I think it is wrong for the state to interfere in your family relations so that with the help of laws, that is, legitimate violence, to resolve your issues with your husband or wife. Although often you can’t do without it, because people sometimes even make marriage contracts, because they are not sure of each other. However, I believe that without the voluntary assumption of certain obligations, no laws will prevent a person from harming his soulmate, his family. After all, any laws can be circumvented. So you either want to bear certain obligations to your spouse and to your family, or maybe you don’t need a family as such at all, and you shouldn’t torture yourself and other people by entering into a legal marriage.

People, of course, different conditions agree to live with each other and the family may not be the same as we are used to seeing it. But nevertheless, the family is a family and the people in it are not strangers to each other. Therefore, they still need to bear some obligations to each other, and on a voluntary basis, which means that they need to respect and appreciate each other, and preferably also love.

In addition, there is another interesting point in the relationship between spouses - this is their use of each other. Which, in general, complements the above. I think that I won’t surprise anyone if I say that some people have a so-called consumer attitude towards their husbands and wives, and they look at them, not so much as people, but as a source of some benefits or as a means achieving one or another of their goals. We are not even talking about a marriage of convenience, because the calculation can be different, including quite noble, not in the least contradicting such a feeling as love, we are talking about this type of people who see in their husbands and wives just one more thing they need, their property, which they consider the right to dispose of as they please. I think you, if you haven’t personally encountered this, then at least heard about such relationships, when either a wife for a husband is a thing, a kind of toy, or a husband for a wife is nothing more than a thing, so to speak, henpecked or just a breadwinner.

So I would like to warn some of you, dear readers, that such extremely unequal relationships between spouses, as a rule, do not make people happy. Moreover, such relations are harmful not only for the exploited person, but often for the exploiter, because violence against people significantly worsens them, it kills the personality in them. With such husbands and wives who have been turned into a thing, there can be a lot of problems. So, my advice to you - look for, create an equal relationship with another person with whom you plan to start a family - this is the best option. This, of course, is a good option if you are interested in normal, standard family relationships, with all their pluses and minuses, and not something else.

Readiness for family life

Thus, dear friends, in order to solve, or even better, avoid the above and all other family problems, it is extremely important to prepare a person for family life. The readiness of young people to form a family also falls into the field of view of family psychology. You can't be good at something without learning it. But what does it mean to prepare for family life? This means that young people should know much more about such a life than they know about it, mainly by observing the relationship of their parents, who, as a rule, are the only example of family life for them. And we all know that some parents set an extremely negative example for their children. Naturally, if young people live in exemplary families in which everyone respects each other, in which everyone is happy, then they not only can, but also need to take an example from their parents. But according to my and not only my observations, there are not very many prosperous families in our society, therefore, in order for the apple to roll away from the apple tree, that is, in order not to make the mistakes of their parents, young people must learn all the subtleties of family life in other ways, including including through communication with experts on the subject. Then they will properly prepare for this life and create a good, friendly, strong family in which everyone will be happy.

In general, dear readers, a lot in your life, including family life, will depend on your value system. Those people for whom the family is important will learn everything they need to know about the family and family life, including through the study of family psychology. And those for whom the family is of no value, probably did not even read up to these lines. We always pay maximum attention to what is important and valuable to us, so the readiness for family life largely depends on the values ​​that we adhere to. Take a closer look at yourself and other people - see what is important for you and for them, what you and they pay the most attention to. This way you will know how ready you and other people, for example, your potential spouse, can be for family life.

And in order to understand what a family is - a good, happy family, and how valuable it can be for you - you need, firstly, to learn as much as possible about a good family life, from a variety of sources, and secondly, to compare this value with other values, so that you understand what is best for you. For only knowing about different values ​​and being able to compare them with each other - you can choose the best for yourself, choose what you really need.